Friday, December 28, 2012

The trials of trying to conceive

I read this morning that your chances of conceiving when timed correctly every month is still only 25%, so basically you have a 75% chance of not getting pregnant every month even when timed correctly. How do people do it then?  It's so easy for all these teeny boppers to not even think and get pregnant. Or for that matter, when you are trying NOT to get pregnant and be careful, accidents happen.
It took years to agree on a good time frame with my hubby and I. It's never the "perfect" time. There is never enough money, the step kids will be unhappy, what will we do about daycare and cost, blah blah blah.  I had hoped to do it by the time I was 30 at the latest. Now 3 years later still no baby. For awhile we waited because of my hubby, then it was because of me. In Aug, we decided that we aren't getting any younger and we ought to just go ahead and try. 4 months since we started "trying", and nothing. Funny how that works out, how when you want to it seems to take awhile.
I could google and research all day and try to guess one of the million reasons it hasn't happened yet.  Improve your diet, lose more weight,. work on your stress, have sex in different positions, have sex before ovulation, every other day, every day, or it could be the history of endometriosis. Seriously. Who flippin knows, is what I say!  My crystal ball doesnt seem to be working currently!
Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for it anymore, that I won't be any good at it, that I like my alone time too much. Other times I feel that if I don't do it just once I will regret it (even tho it scares me and I am practically the only person left I know who hasn't),  neither myself or my hubby are getting any younger, and that I want to experience the joy others feel of having a part of your heart out there walking around in the world. They say everything happens for a reason. I suppose the universe will show me when its my time one of these days, right?!

Whirlwind months

Wow. Where do I start. Since August, TONS of things have came and went. Change has been a steady wind in the air. Here it is in a nutshell:
August started off with us selling our modular, having to find somewhere to move in a month, close on the house, pack and move. My hubby also started a new job, and the second week of his new job he was out of town and that was the week we moved. And our 2nd wedding anniversary.
Things seemed to be moving along nicely, and in September my sweet 8 month old puppy got out of the kennel he stayed at at a friends while we worked, and has never been found. That seemed to start a downward spiral for me. He was so special to me, and despite months of looking and hoping, I had to let it go and just choose to believe he had found a good home. Easier said then done, I miss him every day.
October and November primarily seemed to be a couple months of depression, and trying to get back into a normal groove. My hubby's hours are very long, he works 100 + hours in a 2 week time frame usually. It has been quite an adjustment; feel like I didnt get married to be alone all the time. Yet my hubby is so much better to be around, a happier man thats rarely grumpy now. The money is better and its a great job. So basically I am just trying to adjust, and its getting easier all the time. I suppose its just an adjustment curve type thing. :)
On a good note, we live in a great rental that we feel very lucky to have. We rescued a great new little puppy that we love, she keeps up on our toes. My hubby is happier.  I'm doing my best to believe that this upcoming year will be a good one. The whirlwind is dying down......I hope :) 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Roll with the punches

“Rolling with the punches” is the ability to deal with difficult situations as they arise. For me, that is often easier said then done. Many people adjust well to change, and love it. I suppose I'm not naturally one of those that likes things out of order or routine too much, that is spontaneous and spur of the moment. I have heard for years from my Mom how I am just one who doesn't like change. I guess she's right.
Yet, I seem to be drawn to friends and people who are opposite of me, who help me "go with the flow" more often.  I realize life is a series of events, often unplanned and always moving. Is it fear that makes me stop dead in my tracks and not stand up tall in the face of change? And how do I rise above this part of me?
I need to let go of my need for control, even if it does feel safer and well, controllable. :) I suppose just letting go sometimes and letting myself breathe, wouldnt be the worst thing possible. In time I will adjust to whatever change I am struggling with, I just need to give myself that time. Instead of trying to run around and force perfection and control, I need to try to just sit back and enjoy the passing moments. Sometimes I just want to slam on the brakes and say "ok wait a min for me to adjust here".  Deep breaths, deeep breaths. I too can roll with the punches, right?! :)  It would be great to punch back with positive power .......

"You had the power all along my dear."   – Glinda the Good Witch.

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” —             William Arthur Ward







Monday, September 10, 2012

Wish washey thoughts

I laid in bed last night...so many thoughts going through my head.......yet right now,  I can't seem to find the words to put down here. Yet I feel I need to find them. 

Sometimes I feel like I am standing still.....watching the world move about and watching the people move forward with their lives....and though I know times goes on (and fast) and things do change, I often feel like I am stuck, waiting for who knows what exactly. 
My hubby and I are starting to try for a baby. Exciting I know. Yet I am also totally freaked out. I could probably come up with a thousand reasons why I don't feel ready, time isn't right, my hubby works a lot, my dog is still just a puppy and needs my time, etc etc etc. In the big picture, just excuses. We aren't getting any younger, its kind of a "do it now or don't" kind of thing.  So is it just the fear of the unknown?  What am I waiting for?  I suppose its irrelevant...we are going forward with plans to "just do it". I know if I don't, I will regret it. I know I will love it once it happens and I have a little piece of myself out in the world. So much will change in every single way. I sure I hope I am ready for that. Ready or not, eh?!
I sometimes feel I haven't much to show for myself, for my life, thus far. Not much to be proud of myself for.  I started going to college after high school, then quit, because I couldn't juggle everything (living on my own first time, 2 jobs, school). I never went back. Could never decide what I wanted to do, couldn't pinpoint anything that I could say "oh thats it" about. I will always have a mediocre job, with mediocre pay and little advacement opportunties. Sure, if I had invented some cool thing or had some natural skill to speak of...but I don't. Stuck is definitely a good word to insert here.  Yes, I know I could go back to school...people do it all the time....but for me with planning on having a baby, it just doesnt fit for me. I still don't know what I would want to do. I know plenty of people go to school and have a baby, but just doesn't sound appealing to do both at once. More power to all that do.  I've held the same job for 9 years, manage to pay my bills most the time, I have a great hubby and average step kids, and we just sold our first little modular home and moved into a completely awesome new rental house (major upgrade too). I do have things to be proud of, the logical side of me knows this. I suppose its the wish washey side of me that feels I should have made more of myself, that my parents could have way more to be proud of me for me.

"Life just is. You have to flow with it" . -- Governor Jerry Brown

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
malkinson Chuck Palahniuk quotes (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
Every new day is another chance to change your life......right?!  Just gonna go with it and see where it all takes me.  My hubby and I feel good about all the changes that happening and upcoming.....just gonna focus on that :)


Friday, July 13, 2012

EndLess Questions

What has happened to me, I wonder. Has the world hardened me? I used to be sweet, nice, friendly, and of course much cuter. :) Now; I feel I am inpatient, bitchy, unfriendly.  I don't want to be this way. But is there any going back now? Can I revert to the old me? Does that past "nice" version of me even exist anymore?
Or is it actually that the majority of the people you meet are just hard, cold, rude, angry, disrespectful, etc ? Where is that light in people's eyes, the smiles on their faces, the geniune joy to be alive and around others? Including myself, I think many have misplaced all that. Lost it somewhere along the way. The quest for more money, more "things", more happiness, more love, more sex, more friends, more...more...more....its an endless pit of greed and envy. Or is it? Could it just be the need to be the best you and have the best of it all; that is just American, just human?  It seems the negativity too, is everywhere.  Where is that optimism, that zest for life and all you can "go get" and "be"?   I know a few people who still have all this; this joy for life and all else I mentioned most have lost....and I envy them. I study them. I ponder how they got that way, and how I too can be more like that. The answers never come.  Does anyone have these answers, or are they just endless questions? Questions that no professional author, no small-time blogger, and probably no average joe can answer.  Just keep on living, keep on breathing, and keep on trying to be the best you can with the best attitude, eh?!  We'll go with that for now.....

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Charles R. Swindoll quotes (American Writer and Clergyman, b.1934)

(I am not religious but like this quote)

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered: Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies: Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank people will try to cheat you: Be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight: Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous of you: Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten by tomorrow: Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Teresa

Monday, April 16, 2012

Life in a nutshell?

I just read this little part of something someone wrote:


The Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a fulltime informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answer to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. This will often be forgotten, only to be remembered again.
(Cherie Carter-Scott)

I thought #7 was interesting, I wonder how true that is. I especially liked #9. Although we all know life doesn't come with an instruction book like this, nor does just reading this make anything any easier. But an interesting little read....food for thought....

Friday, March 30, 2012

Cruel World

You'd think at some point I'd stop being shocked at things that go on in the world. Yet it still never ceases to amaze me.
I was watching the news on my dinner break at work, and I was quickly reminded why I usually only tune in to hear the weather. One lady was arrested for cruely to animals at her very own pet shop. Not only does it make me sick to hear about animal abuse of any kind, but really lady? Why own a pet shop if you don't like animals and are not going to take care of them?  Don't those poor animals have it bad enough living in a little cage, in a store, where people just gawk at them all day? 
Then another lady; a mother of 3, was arrested on suspicion of killing her 8-month old child, who was possibly what police took from the garbage dumpster in her subdivision. Why do people like this have children, and KEEP on having children, if they don't want them? And why are piece of crap people like that; the ones who have no issues getting pregnant and keep on having them, when so many nice and decent people struggle to get pregnant? Not to mention that people who have those mental issues, shouldnt be passing on that gene in an already scary world of murderers, thieves, etc etc.  Total sickening that anyone would do that to a child.
The news went on to try to tell a heartfelt story. A single mom of 2, who gets tons of help and child support from the father of the kids, and who has a steady job. And she was just approved for a house from the housing program of the government (which she has already lived off of for 5 years)  Now don't get me wrong, I think its great for her and her kids. BUT, why does she get to live off of us hardworking tax payers who work hard for all we have, when most of us also have kids and bills that we have to pay for? She doesn't have to work hard, she gets the easy way out, etc....and why, because she is a single mom?  I don't get it. And I can't help but be maddened by it. 
What is this world we live in coming to?    Needless to say, I lost my appetite.