Friday, March 30, 2012

Cruel World

You'd think at some point I'd stop being shocked at things that go on in the world. Yet it still never ceases to amaze me.
I was watching the news on my dinner break at work, and I was quickly reminded why I usually only tune in to hear the weather. One lady was arrested for cruely to animals at her very own pet shop. Not only does it make me sick to hear about animal abuse of any kind, but really lady? Why own a pet shop if you don't like animals and are not going to take care of them?  Don't those poor animals have it bad enough living in a little cage, in a store, where people just gawk at them all day? 
Then another lady; a mother of 3, was arrested on suspicion of killing her 8-month old child, who was possibly what police took from the garbage dumpster in her subdivision. Why do people like this have children, and KEEP on having children, if they don't want them? And why are piece of crap people like that; the ones who have no issues getting pregnant and keep on having them, when so many nice and decent people struggle to get pregnant? Not to mention that people who have those mental issues, shouldnt be passing on that gene in an already scary world of murderers, thieves, etc etc.  Total sickening that anyone would do that to a child.
The news went on to try to tell a heartfelt story. A single mom of 2, who gets tons of help and child support from the father of the kids, and who has a steady job. And she was just approved for a house from the housing program of the government (which she has already lived off of for 5 years)  Now don't get me wrong, I think its great for her and her kids. BUT, why does she get to live off of us hardworking tax payers who work hard for all we have, when most of us also have kids and bills that we have to pay for? She doesn't have to work hard, she gets the easy way out, etc....and why, because she is a single mom?  I don't get it. And I can't help but be maddened by it. 
What is this world we live in coming to?    Needless to say, I lost my appetite.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Body and Mind Confusion

The body is constantly in motion, in change, a work in progress (sometimes not always for the good). It would be cool if it could tell you before it was gonna "make a move" or if you could see inside it, like those museum exhibits Body Worlds. Well, maybe not to that degree. Ha!
Though we are not currently trying for a baby just yet, its just around the corner. I am actively working on my dieting and weight loss. About six months ago, I did a great cleanse to help with my endometriosis. All these steps, to get my body healthy and prepped for a baby.  My Mom did just recently tell me that not everything goes as planned, and that you can't always live by that planning for the future. I suppose this is a good example of one of those times. And a good example that the body will act as it will, with or without your permission.
It appears despite all the healthiness I am creating, my body just stopped ovulating. Now my immediate responses were, "Why?"  and well some more, why's.  What changed for the worse? I have some theories, as does the internet. :)
Although my endometeriosis is a estrogen dominant condition, low progesterone can also be at play and create many of the issues or symptoms I currently deal with. Like really, hormones? Pick one, not both! Or god forbid just be normal already for once!   So I can take natural progesterone, which I took when I did the cleanse and my cycles were more normal. But yet my Dr. says when I do get prego that she'd prefer I don't continue taking it, yet I read online at a trusted fertility site that you most certainly can. I also read that if you take prenatal vitamins months before you try to conceive (which I do) that women are 40% less likely to have issues with ovulation then women who don't. The Dr. also mentioned that before we want to actively start trying, that I should get an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are good and I'm not developing PCOS.  And I was reading in a magazine about  when it's time to conceive; tools to use such as fertility monitors, taking temperature, etc.  Talk about taking some of the fun out of it, gees!  I know, I know, don't jump to conclusions and get worried! But really, can we say ANNOYING!  :(        
I am hoping with my health history, my hubby being a bit older and liking his beer, and all the steps I am taking to become healthier and  fix this newest issue of not ovulating.........that when its time I wont be all that hard. I suppose time will tell. And we will check in with my body, the boss, at a later date.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Leaving Breadcrumbs

I feel like I'm a rat, chasing many thoughts are swirling around in my mind. What's the right move? What path is the righe one for me? Is this...or that....wrong...or right?  And I can't seem to come up with solutions where I can raise my hand, smile and say "yes, that's it?"    I don't want this to get like a self counseling session. But yet I almost feel like that's what I need. Good thing I scheduled a session for next week, ha!
Is it possible to be an over planner?  I think Yes and No.  I think there are many people that don't plan things, that should. It could eliminate some of the problems that people create for themselves. But then on the other hand, as my Mom said, sometimes you gotta live in the NOW!  And too much planning can stunt your growth more so I'm betting.  Sometimes taking that leap off the edge, and just DOING, isn't so easy. Its scary, and worrysome, and let me see what other excuse I have (trying to humor myself here).  I am talking about what seems to be an ongoing long journey to having a baby. I feel I am the last person I know who hasn't done this yet. Although most of my current reasoning for waiting are good ones, how much more waiting is the right thing?  If it's going to happen at all, how much longer can I reasonably put it off?  You know, it's odd; between working in OB where I am around it all all the time and all the waiting I have almost makes me more freaked out about it all. Will I be a good parent?  Will I be more or less a single Mom with my hubby always either being at work or occupied with other habits?   How on earth will we even afford daycare?  Are my step kids really going to be as hateful and mean about it as I think, and if so, why does that bother me? And who the heck do I even talk to about this stuff?  I know people figure this stuff out, I know that I am overthinking, I know that there will NEVER be a perfect time. 
Many other things crowd my thoughts. How can I rekindle things with my hubby and make him want to make necessary changes? How fast can I lose the rest of the weight I want to lose (and its so nice to be starting to feel like "me" again, almost don't want to warp my body with baby weight)? How much longer till we can get a real stick built house, with a fenced yard? And how long can we manage to live where we are, was it really a mistake to buy our place? Is it the right move for us to get a puppy soon, and not have one the same time I (hopefully) have a new baby? And what kind do we even get and where? Will my step kids ever like me? And if not, why do I care so much, I am never really going to be part of the family that was already built?  So many questions, and so many trails of breadcrumbs leading to what never seems like solutions.
My mind swarms with this stuff all the time, its hard to quiet it. In the end, it boils down to what is right for me I I am the one who has to live it. If only I knew what that was. And really, does anyone REALLY know? Or is it a leap of faith, a gamble, for us all? Hmmmm.