Monday, March 5, 2012

Leaving Breadcrumbs

I feel like I'm a rat, chasing breadcrumbs......so many thoughts are swirling around in my mind. What's the right move? What path is the righe one for me? Is this...or that....wrong...or right?  And I can't seem to come up with solutions where I can raise my hand, smile and say "yes, that's it?"    I don't want this to get like a self counseling session. But yet I almost feel like that's what I need. Good thing I scheduled a session for next week, ha!
Is it possible to be an over planner?  I think Yes and No.  I think there are many people that don't plan things, that should. It could eliminate some of the problems that people create for themselves. But then on the other hand, as my Mom said, sometimes you gotta live in the NOW!  And too much planning can stunt your growth more so I'm betting.  Sometimes taking that leap off the edge, and just DOING, isn't so easy. Its scary, and worrysome, and let me see what other excuse I have (trying to humor myself here).  I am talking about what seems to be an ongoing long journey to having a baby. I feel I am the last person I know who hasn't done this yet. Although most of my current reasoning for waiting are good ones, how much more waiting is the right thing?  If it's going to happen at all, how much longer can I reasonably put it off?  You know, it's odd; between working in OB where I am around it all all the time and all the waiting I have done....it almost makes me more freaked out about it all. Will I be a good parent?  Will I be more or less a single Mom with my hubby always either being at work or occupied with other habits?   How on earth will we even afford daycare?  Are my step kids really going to be as hateful and mean about it as I think, and if so, why does that bother me? And who the heck do I even talk to about this stuff?  I know people figure this stuff out, I know that I am overthinking, I know that there will NEVER be a perfect time. 
Many other things crowd my thoughts. How can I rekindle things with my hubby and make him want to make necessary changes? How fast can I lose the rest of the weight I want to lose (and its so nice to be starting to feel like "me" again, almost don't want to warp my body with baby weight)? How much longer till we can get a real stick built house, with a fenced yard? And how long can we manage to live where we are, was it really a mistake to buy our place? Is it the right move for us to get a puppy soon, and not have one the same time I (hopefully) have a new baby? And what kind do we even get and where? Will my step kids ever like me? And if not, why do I care so much, I am never really going to be part of the family that was already built?  So many questions, and so many trails of breadcrumbs leading to what never seems like solutions.
My mind swarms with this stuff all the time, its hard to quiet it. In the end, it boils down to what is right for me I suppose...as I am the one who has to live it. If only I knew what that was. And really, does anyone REALLY know? Or is it a leap of faith, a gamble, for us all? Hmmmm.

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