Monday, September 10, 2012

Wish washey thoughts

I laid in bed last many thoughts going through my head.......yet right now,  I can't seem to find the words to put down here. Yet I feel I need to find them. 

Sometimes I feel like I am standing still.....watching the world move about and watching the people move forward with their lives....and though I know times goes on (and fast) and things do change, I often feel like I am stuck, waiting for who knows what exactly. 
My hubby and I are starting to try for a baby. Exciting I know. Yet I am also totally freaked out. I could probably come up with a thousand reasons why I don't feel ready, time isn't right, my hubby works a lot, my dog is still just a puppy and needs my time, etc etc etc. In the big picture, just excuses. We aren't getting any younger, its kind of a "do it now or don't" kind of thing.  So is it just the fear of the unknown?  What am I waiting for?  I suppose its irrelevant...we are going forward with plans to "just do it". I know if I don't, I will regret it. I know I will love it once it happens and I have a little piece of myself out in the world. So much will change in every single way. I sure I hope I am ready for that. Ready or not, eh?!
I sometimes feel I haven't much to show for myself, for my life, thus far. Not much to be proud of myself for.  I started going to college after high school, then quit, because I couldn't juggle everything (living on my own first time, 2 jobs, school). I never went back. Could never decide what I wanted to do, couldn't pinpoint anything that I could say "oh thats it" about. I will always have a mediocre job, with mediocre pay and little advacement opportunties. Sure, if I had invented some cool thing or had some natural skill to speak of...but I don't. Stuck is definitely a good word to insert here.  Yes, I know I could go back to school...people do it all the time....but for me with planning on having a baby, it just doesnt fit for me. I still don't know what I would want to do. I know plenty of people go to school and have a baby, but just doesn't sound appealing to do both at once. More power to all that do.  I've held the same job for 9 years, manage to pay my bills most the time, I have a great hubby and average step kids, and we just sold our first little modular home and moved into a completely awesome new rental house (major upgrade too). I do have things to be proud of, the logical side of me knows this. I suppose its the wish washey side of me that feels I should have made more of myself, that my parents could have way more to be proud of me for me.

"Life just is. You have to flow with it" . -- Governor Jerry Brown

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
malkinson Chuck Palahniuk quotes (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
Every new day is another chance to change your life......right?!  Just gonna go with it and see where it all takes me.  My hubby and I feel good about all the changes that happening and upcoming.....just gonna focus on that :)

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